Christmas Adam

Today is the day before the day before Christmas, so Abbey has declared that it is "Christmas Adam." I guess because Adam came before Eve. I thought that was pretty clever. It has been a great day - no migraine, not much elbow pain, and I got a FULL night's sleep. It is amazing what I can accomplish when I get enough sleep and don't have debilitating pain. Tonight we had our annual Reilley party with our good friends the Reilleys. They are so great and we have known them for a very long time. This annual party started eighteen or nineteen years ago and it has survived all the changes and bumps our two families have been through. Lori and I have known each other since I was in elementary school. We were in the same ward when my family lived in the Granger 14th ward. She is a devoted friend and has called me EVERY day this last year. It has been her way of helping me through a tough year while I have battled my on-going depression. I am so thankful for her friendship and devotion. She is an inspiration to me. I am blessed to have her in my life. I am very blessed to have so many in my life who love me! I love this part of Christmas - appreciating the best kind of gifts I have been given. This life is amazing and wonderful, and as Abbey has pointed out, it all started with Adam.

Anti-Social or Pro-Peace?

Last night Brett and I opted out of the neighborhood Christmas party. This morning I opted out of the neighborhood cookie exchange. It is almost a relief to say no to something. The hectic schedule of the holidays has turned my life into a "have to." I want to fill my holidays with the things I WANT to do, the things that are most important. This morning I just thought that sitting with a bunch of women who are trying to impress each other with their fabulous recipes, immaculate grooming, and slim figures was going to be more than I could take, especially because I had not made my contribution to the exchange. Because I have been hobbling around from a broken toe and I'm so tired it hurts to hold my head up, none of my Christmas preparations are done. My daughter Kristy was shocked when I told her I hadn't bought one gift yet. She said, "That's a first mom!" It really isn't, but I don't think she has ever paid attention before to how prepared I have ever been for Christmas. She has always just noticed the end result. She has a different perspective now that she is trying to make everyone's dreams come true on that very important day. Well here is a list of the things I WANT to do this Christmas:
1. Enjoy some peace of mind, knowing I have thought well of all those I connected with that day.
2. Curl up with a new book in front of the fire.
3. Surprise Brett with some thoughtful gift.
4. Find that perfect gift for the most thoughtful man I know, my son Ben.
5. Have a generous heart when it comes to family relations and assume the best.
Hopefully, there will be room in there to smile, laugh, and relax a little too. I love Christmas, but I refuse to let it rule my life. I have a sneaking suspicion that the Savior doesn't want that either. I think he would rather we delete the worldly diversions from the season and focus on eternal endeavors. I think the Savior's adversaries are very thrilled about what Christmas has become, even for very religious people. I won't let it happen to me and my family. I must be the voice of heaven and whisper reverence so that there will truly be PEACE in my little corner of the kingdom. Maybe that's not being anti-social but pro-peace!

A Wise Christmas

We went to Temple Square this last Monday to see the Christmas lights and drink hot chocolate in a very frigid downtown. We had Christmas music playing on the way, and after that Abbey kept singing, "I'm dreaming of a WISE Christmas." It is so great the "wisdom" she comes up with when she creates an Abbeyism. I asked her what a wise Christmas was. She said she didn't know, so together we decided it is a Christmas where everyone seeks after the Savior like the wisemen did. The next night Abbey was rearranging the Nativity Set. She said, "All the wisemen are in order now." I asked her what that meant, and as she pointed to each wiseman she said, "This one is gold, this one is Frankenstein, and this one is myrrh."

Cleo

Yesterday I said good-bye to a friend I've had for over 17 years: our kitty Cleo. She has declined in health over the last six months, losing her eye sight and a lot of her hearing. She has valiantly "ping ponged" around our home, looking for her food and our comforting laps for quite awhile. Having her here was a link to my daughter Kristy who has grown up and moved away. Kristy picked out this black/grey tabby with big eyes and wispy fur when she was five and so much my little girl. Now Kristy is a wife and mother. My sadness at letting Cleo go was intensified because it made the reality of Kristy's absence all the more final.

We have all cried for our loss, but rejoiced for Cleo's restored heavenly body. When Abbey said the blessing on the food last night she said, "Heavenly Father, please bless Cleo. And bless her with extra birds to chase." That pretty much summed it up.

As I held Cleo in her last moments I marveled at her life and how small her body is in comparison to all she gave our family. Her spirit is so much more than the soft body I held, so much more than the wet nose I stroked. Cleo is a joy and some lucky Heavenly Being is enjoying her purrs and unconditional love right now.

Our lives go on and somehow seem more precious for having known Cleo and been with her all of her 17 1/2 years. I love my family and I'm so glad there is more than this mortal existence that is so fragile and so imperfect. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for my earthly experience and the simple joys of life. Tonight, according to Abbey, we went to Tithing Sediment." It is good that there are things to count on and things to remind us of our blessings. Paying tithing does that for me, and when Abbey linked it to the earth we live on, it was a reminder to me that what we do on this earth is important, it is recognized and counted, no matter how small, no matter how unflashy it might be. We come from the dust of the earth, but we are also made of the cloths of heaven. There is a beautiful poem by Yeats with that term I think.

Birthdays

I turned 44 on September 21. I was sick for days around my birthday, so I didn't really have the time to think about another year tacked onto my life. Now I am reflecting on this momentous occasion. The days accumulate so slowly, but when a birthday comes, I realize how much of my life has sifted through my fingers. I have evolved over these years and now say and do things I never thought I would when I was in my twenties. Dirty dishes just aren't my main worry anymore. I don't lose sleep over what I'm going to wear tomorrow. The things I do worry about are my overall effectiveness as a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a daughter, and a friend. How can this ever be measured? I'm glad I'm not in charge of this measuring. I have faith in a perfect Savior who will stand as our advocate when that final analysis takes place. At times I feel very close to that eye-opening day and confident that I will be able to look my Father in Heaven in the eyes, knowing I have done my best. Then there are days when my confidence falters and I remember being impatient over the silliest thing like a pink clay stain on the table from Abbey's girl pirate ship creation. I might be 44 but have a long way to go until I am molded into what He wants me to be. I guess all creations leave their stains as the molding takes place.

Wonder Woman Times Two

Yesterday I made myself walk out of my classroom and embrace my home and family again. My personality is "all or nothing" so I have thrown myself into revitalizing my teaching as I begin another phase of my career. It has been exhausting yet familiar and welcome to remember my talents as a teacher. At the same time though, I have been remembering the parts of this job that never became easy for me - dealing with the piles and piles of English papers to name just one.

As I locked my classroom door, I had to reassure myself that the most important thing in my life are the smiles and company of my husband, children, and grandson. I haven't been as focused on this over the last few weeks. There will always be piles of papers, but there won't always be time to try on Halloween costumes with my six-year-old and see the light in her eyes as she puts on the Wonder Woman cape and looks into the mirror. When I was her age I wanted nothing more than to be Wonder Woman, complete with the golden lasso of truth and the bullet repelling arm bracelets. Abbey and I walked out of TJ Maxx with the costume and my joy brimming over, my priorities returned to their correct place. Maybe both of us will be Wonder Women in October!

First Week Back

This has been a very long week and my body hurts so much I need one big Bandaid to feel better. My brain and my body have forgotten the requirements of teaching. Today I switched from flip flops to my workout shoes, because tracking around the school has taken its toll on my poor feet. My brain is also cramping up and there are long periods where I just sit and stare at the empty desks in my classroom and wonder how I will ever be ready for students next Wednesday.

Yesterday my visiting teacher, Paula, showed up at school and asked if she could help me. I put her to work unpacking books for the class library shelves. She spent an hour just cleaning and sorting through all the "stuff" that English teachers tote around. It truly is the simple things in this life that make such an impact. Paula has always been one of my heroes, but yesterday was truly the extra mile. The best thing she did was just listen to me and talk me through a few of my "brain cramps." By the time she left I was reminded that I have so many people helping me through this transition back to work.

Back to School Night went well, but it took me some time to remember what to say to parents and students, giving a quick five minute overview of my class. I did get the hang of it by sixth period though. It is fun being back in the preparations of school again, catching up with the faculty and meeting new teachers. On Wednesday I had several teachers stop and offer help and support as I attempted to clean out the classroom I had inherited from a veteran teacher who had retired last Spring and couldn't begin to cart home all of her accumulated English teaching "wealth" that represented thirty years of public school service. Maybe twenty years from now some young Miss Bumblesprout will be dealing with the leftovers of my "Mrs. McBloom classroom!" (If you haven't read the children's book Mrs. McBloom, Clean Up Your Classroom you need to.)

Being a Wife

Today we went to my in-laws for a visit. Abbey has been missing her grandma, and Marcell just got back from Trek so we decided to go and see them. Brett's dad is 88 and doing pretty well physically. He has also softened over the years in his temperment and demeanor. He is fun to talk to now and he loves to tell stories about when he was young. When we first got there today though, he excused himself to go finish watching Tiger Woods win some golf tournament.

So we mostly visited with Brett's mom and his sister Marcell. Whenever we go to Ogden, Brett really struggles. He is uncomfortable and stressed driving there, being there, and coming home. He really can't relax until the next day. Tonight Brett's mom wanted us to watch a DVD that her brothers and sisters just had made where they combined all of their family "home movies" onto one handy disc. Brett seemed reluctant, but we started watching it anyway. Before our faces passed visions of the 1950's and 1960's. We saw Brett's mom, uncles and aunts in their youth. We saw his mom's parents looking young and vibrant. Best of all, we saw Brett as a chubby baby with two bottom teeth, smiling and being adored by his parents and grandparents. Then we saw Brett's parents' wedding. As the DVD progressed I felt Brett gradually tensing up. Then during the wedding part, Brett's Grandma and Grandpa McLean came into view. Brett quickly stood up and walked out, even out of the house.

Brett's mom and sister were surprised. I began to explain how much he missed his grandparents and tried to explain his sudden retreat. I don't know if they bought it, but I had a sense it was something more. We soon left after that, borrowing the DVD to finish watching at home. I didn't push Brett to explain. While we were driving home Brett asked me to just talk about when I worked at the Shakespearean Festival. That kind of gave me pause, but I consented and gave him a few of the highlights about tart selling and hooking up with boys between the Green Show and intermission. He asked questions, but I could tell he wasn't really that interested in my "wild" days singing to sell horehound candy and apple/raisin tarts. He just needed something else to think about.

Later, after many hugs, Brett told me that watching the DVD was difficult, not just because he saw loved ones he misses, but because it was a compacted view of his family, with all the strengths and weaknesses, all the pain and the joy, all the disappointments and highlights.

Brett has become even more sensitive to situations like this lately. The other night we were watching the Sandra Bullock movie Premonition and he walked out during a very intense scene. He wouldn't finish watching the movie. He said it stirred up some very confusing emotions for him. I am so proud of Brett for recognizing his feelings and doing something about them. For so many years he pushed them aside. It has taken him a long time to own them and then even longer to acknowledge them with action. It has taken me a long time to allow him the time to do this. In our early marriage I would try to force his feelings out of his gut so that we could "fix" them together. It was so exhausting for me and so wrong. I was so grateful for the day about ten years ago when I realized the disservice I was doing to both of us. We have been married for 25 years next month. We are still learning so much about each other and about ourselves as we continue this journey together. We have both learned more patience, more long-suffering, more tenderness, more forgiveness, more charity, and given more power to the other in the process. I love being a wife, but along with being a mother, it is the most challenging vocation of my life. I love you Brett!

Decision Made

Well, I accepted the English teaching position. I am carefully excited. I know how much work I am in for. I remember all too well the juggling of housework, child care, relationships, parent/teacher conferences, and piles of English papers. Part of this new job will also include taking an ESL endorsement class that will meet most every Wednesday throughout the year. I think I am somewhat over my head, but I am determined to let myself say "No," a lot and keep the mind set that even though this is my ninth year teaching, I will have to think of it more as another first year - new curriculum to create is a big job all by itself. I will be teaching English 8, which I haven't taught before. I am looking forward to creating some spectacular lessons and units, but also reminding myself that I am only going to be able to eat a few bites of this elephant at a time.

New Opportunity

Yesterday I went to the park for my weekly get together with my former colleagues who have remained my good friends, even after I left school to stay at home with my daughter. Every summer my friends Michelle and Jenny organize "Park Days" so we can catch up and chat while our children play and also get reacquainted. We go to a different park in our area each week to have some new scenery and end up having some nice "adult time" as the kids try not to kill themselves showing off for each other. Most of these women are teachers I started working with at my second teaching position. Michelle and I shared a classroom when we both went part-time because of our respective pregnancies and then ended up delivering three days apart. Jenny and I are similar in life styles and personality and we all helped her through the transition to being a single mom after her difficult divorce.



Jenny and I (and our kids) were the only ones who showed up yesterday so we enjoyed the perfect park weather as we talked and lamented the end of park days and the looming school year for her. She asked me what I was going to fill my time with since my daughter was going to be starting first grade at the end of the month. I honestly hadn't been planning what I would do, but when she asked, I started thinking of all the scrap booking I had put off over the years, all the books I have wanted to indulge in, and all the organizing of my life and home that has eluded me. So I started listing these things to Jenny as we lazily watched our children going down slides and climbing the park toys.



When I finished my list and Michelle called Jenny's cell phone to explain why she wasn't there, a light bulb seemed to go on in Jenny's face, and she asked, with Michelle listening in, "Hey, has Michelle told you about the job opening at the school?" She hadn't, so I listened as she told about how another colleague, Jane, had just accepted another teaching contract in a neighboring school district so she could work closer to home. Jane had resigned her position just last Friday, so there was an unexpected job opening at the junior high I used to teach at. As Jenny finished telling me some details, my former boss and principal Steve walked from the parking lot into the school (the park is adjacent to the school). Jenny looked at me as if to say, "There's no time like the present!" and offered to watch my six year old while I walked over to talk to Steve.



As I took that not so long walk my mind began to spin: What was I doing? Hadn't I just been talking about all my plans for my new open time? Why would I want to go back into the classroom? My online teaching job is flexible and so perfect for a wife and mother who wants to put her family first . . . . . yet I have missed teaching in person and really getting to know my students and being able to see the light in their eyes when they finally understand what a topic sentence is. I have also missed the collaboration I had with good teachers with whom I built lesson plans and curriculum maps and enriched my craft. Oh, the thoughts were flying as I opened that front door.


Steve was in the main office as I walked in and had an instant smile on his face, as he said hello and asked me what he could do for me. He seemed to know why I was there, so we sat down in his office. He was delighted to talk about the job opening and was excited when I told him I would consider it. Then he told me that the interviews were taking place on Thursday so I would need to get the ball rolling with the district if I really wanted the job. Did I want the job? I didn't know?! I had just heard about it ten minutes ago!



I walked out of Steve's office with an appointment for an interview and a whole new set of worries mixed with excitement. There were so many other things that happened yesterday that seemed to intimate that this experience was not an accident, that forces beyond my understanding were at work. This IS the perfect opportunity if I want to get back into teaching full time again. I already know the people I will be working for, it will feel like home, with all the good and bad of what that means. Yet what will I be giving up? How many field trips will I miss? Will Brett remember to give Abbey that confidence building look and the thumbs up sign when he drops her off for her first day of all day school? Will my body be up to the challenge of working full time again and keeping up at home? Well, I could go on with the questions going through my head, but some things are better left floating around in the nebulous space of wonder. I'm not positive that I will even be offered the job, because there are other candidates being interviewed. The funniest thing was when I talked to Michelle and asked how I should prepare for the interview (because she is on the hiring committee) one of her comments was, "Well, some of the other candidates might be amazing, but going with the known is always better than going with the unknown." I guess being amazing has its drawbacks! I do know that I had better be ready with an answer by tomorrow morning when I again walk through those doors that I thought were closed for good.

Finding My Voice Again

It seems that I have been a wife and mother for so long that I have forgotten about the satisfaction of having an opinion and a thought all my own. So I have given in and started a blog - even the word itself is so gooey! I have always thought of myself as one who never follows the trends, but I hope this opportunity to publish my thoughts will force me to take the time to articulate and cultivate them. When I was a shy tenth grade student I had an English teacher who always read the best student writing out loud to the class before she handed back our assignments. Of course she never gave the writers' names, but many of us guessed about the owner of those words she lauded and held up for our writing aspirations. Many times my teacher would read my words and I found myself floating above the mire of high school, finally feeling validated. You might ask why I hadn't felt that before, and I don't know the answer to that. All I know is that when Mrs. Pensis would read my carefully chosen words, I would sit taller in the corners of my brain, even though I was desperately trying to act nonchalant and anonymous in the corner desk of my classroom. I don't want to be that anonymous any more. I want my voice back, even if I am the only one listening.