A Letter to My Blogging Novice Self on the Occasion of 100,000 Page Views

It has been almost a year since my last blog post. There are very good reasons for that, that I don't wish to share here, but I thought today deserved a closing chapter. I noticed that, as of this hour, there have been 100,438 views of my blog since I started it on August 6, 2007. I am surprised and pleased about that amount but also realistic. My writing has improved over the course of my posts, but I'm pretty sure that isn't the reason there are over 100,000 views. My experience in Qatar has a lot to do with most of the hits on some of my entries. It was an interesting adventure living in the Middle East and writing about my interactions with a first ever (and probably last) expat assignment. I've often been good at noticing the subtle ironies of a situation, so Doha was this observer's dream. I found a lot of writing material, and as I look at the stats of my posts, those are definitely the ones capturing the most attention.

But I certainly didn't start my blog so I could write about the up-and-coming star of the Middle East, Qatar. If someone would have told me that day that in a year's time I would be recording my thoughts on smelly camels, crazy drivers, and the plight of the immigrant work force in the tiny country of Qatar, I would have said they were speaking of impossibilities, but that is exactly what happened.

Before that though, I wanted to awaken my long ago writing skills of my college days. My blog began with a desire to write again and have some small audience to speak to. I wanted to express my voice in a way I seldom have the opportunity to do in a verbal setting. Thank you to those of you who have been reading from the beginning. You are kind and have such brilliant taste about what you spend your time with! ;)

So to commemorate this writing adventure and those readers who have carved out time to validate my offerings, I would like to sum up some of the learning that has taken place in my heart, as well as my head as I have blogged. If I could go back and speak to myself on that blog kick-off day, I would have a lot of advice, a lot of warnings, and a lot of compassion for the internet novice I was.

That was then . . . . 

Dear Dianna,

Your excitement in starting this writing adventure is well-placed and worthwhile. Make sure you enjoy every minute of putting your thoughts out there on the internet, and make sure you have something worth reading about. Here are some points to ponder, wisdom of a seasoned blogger, that you might want to consider each time you sit down to post.

1. Publishing your writing comes with risks.

2. Writing creates decisions, opinions, and passions in a writer AND in a reader. They are necessary and important on both sides, but not always embraced, understood, or praised by the readers who are removed and hidden by the invisible internet curtain. Blog writing is a performance of one that captures a few moments of clarity and insight but prolongs or even denies the inevitable audience reaction in a painfully tormenting way at times. And the reactions are not always universal applause.

3. Just like a wailing baby's cry in a movie theater can disrupt a contented, thoroughly entertained audience, a strident writing piece (or any piece for that matter) can disturb tranquil reader/writer relationships and cause discord that often can't be harmonized ever again. Retractions are part of a writer's job and can smooth some flustered feathers so forgiveness can be forthcoming. So you might want to consider keeping some of those powerful posts to yourself - posts that speak truth and ahh-ha moments to your own soul but are misunderstood and used as relationship walls for others. That is why on this blog wrap-up day you will have many writing revelations in cold storage.

4. Even though one of the purposes of your blog is to allow others to know you better, they might not be ready for that all at once. Just like you often say awkward things in social situations, some of your blog pieces will make readers uncomfortable. That's okay though. Make sure you include humorous, life-flavored pieces more often than the internal dialogue ones. Let your readers see your lighter side. They might not understand that either, but at least you will be developing your different writing voices.

5. The risks are worth it, so get writing, and always remember your audience.

I've now come to a phase in my life where I need less of an audience and more of an internal coach who can be kind and gentle to my aging self. Opening up on the internet brought me a lot of joy, but now it is time to find other joys that are not so public, joys that are more bittersweet and more precious than my writing skills can describe.

. . . this is now.

A Little Poetry Today

Alternate Plumage

The flit of a bird caught my eye this morning
As I soaked in the late winter sunshine
at my kitchen window.

The tiniest of sparrows sat perched on the wood rail of my deck,
And turned his head this way and that - in an instinctual effort
To protect,
To defend
His quick heartbeat and delicately feathered existence.

Balancing there he revealed a slice of orange trailing down his back -
A secret something for my human eyes of appreciation,
But more likely for the lady birds who might come to call.

Had it been a dangerous winter for him and his aviarial crowd?
Was it time to escort springtime out into the crisp March embrace?
Were the worms waking for ravenous beaks to gather?

Or was the ground still frozen with hard hearted indifference,
Forcing my little bird to beg for the crumbs of a stranger?

The questions crowded my head for this little one in my gaze.
Ah, questions.
Maybe he didn't have any.
Of course he didn't!
His hidden tangerine tartan
Gave him all the answers he needed.
His destiny was to trust, and
Allow himself to be encircled
In the arms of safety,
Ready for the promise of warmer days and
Delicious delicacies in the bug section of his
Outdoor grocery store.

A Growing Time

When I left my first teaching job in Ogden, Utah for a closer-to-home job, the staff gave me a gift certificate from a local nursery so we could use it to help beautify our unfinished yard in our new home. I had a difficult time saying good bye to my colleagues at Mt. Ogden Middle School, and wanted to have a reminder of their love and support, so I asked Brett to pick out a beautiful blue spruce with the certificate. We planted this little tree in the corner of our back yard and watched it grow. Every time I looked out my window and saw the majestic symmetry of the small evergreen, my thoughts went back to those wonderful teachers and support staff who really showed me what my new teaching career was all about.

Here is a photo from May 2004, and you can see our little tree just over Abbey's shoulder. Unfortunately, this doesn't show the perfection that the tree started with because a winter storm had already broken off two delicate branches with heavy snow.

Our tree has grown quickly over the last fourteen years, and in spite of the harsh conditions of Utah summers, Utah winds, and the neglect it has endured, it stands today. But it is definitely a much different tree now.  When we first planted it, the blue spruce had a perfection about it that I was so proud of. If there had been a photo of the perfect evergreen in the dictionary, it would have been of my little tree. Even though it survived some of the big wind storms at the beginning, as it grew, our tree became more susceptible to the monstrous winds and winters of Bountiful, Utah.

I really noticed the toll our tree has taken when we came home last summer after living overseas for four years. The 2011 winter had brought a dangerous wind storm in December that tore down fences, flipped shingles everywhere, ripped trees out of the ground with their roots, and prompted a county wide disaster clean-up on a Sunday with church meetings being cancelled. We had to watch that storm, with its 100+ mph winds, play out on the internet in Qatar, and we prayed that we would still have a house standing when it was all over. Thankfully, our house had damage that could be repaired, but our precious tree in the corner had been unearthed. The photos our son sent to us showed the naked roots above ground that were as vulnerable as a compound fracture. The tormented tree lay prone on its side. The fence was gone too and made the tree all the more hopeless and exposed. The work of repair and clean-up would have to wait until summer when we could orchestrate the monumental task, so the leader of our back yard forest had to bide its time. I gave it up for kindling and prepared myself to watch it be chopped up and hauled away.

It is difficult to see in the photo, but this is one of the insurance photos that shows the fence gone and our tree laying on its side with the roots exposed. So sad!

When we finally returned to Utah in June 2012, standing next to my tree was even worse than looking at the insurance pictures, but remarkably the tree was still growing. I don't know how the spring had won over this hopeless cause, but life was definitely left in my Mt. Ogden memory tree. We didn't know what to do. If we tried to straighten the tree and replant the naked roots, would it die? What if we removed the exposed roots to make it look more "normal"? Would it survive the makeover?

Here you can see the exposed roots of the tree.

 

Well, sometimes there are too many decisions to be made, so some go ahead and make themselves. Our tree went ahead and kept growing while we kept working out the other issues. Maybe it was our way of letting nature repair itself or not wanting to face the inevitable demise of the tree. It wasn't my perfect tree anymore, but it was alive and it was thriving. There were new knobby starts on the ends of the branches. The exposed roots were settling into their new environment and standing firm. So the other repairs and decisions took priority.

When fall arrived, the growth of our tree was remarkable, and instead of growing in the horizontal direction that the top had been pushed to, there were inches and inches of growth shooting at a 90 degree angle for the vertical sunshine. This was one tenacious tree. I could only stand in awe and take pictures of something that would not be stopped or deterred from its mission - to grow.

So now our tree has survived yet another winter, and a harsh one at that with more snow than we have had for quite a few years. It isn't the perfect little tree we once planted, but its remarkable shape is inspiring and even more forcefully reminds me of those in my life who grow and bless others with their love in spite of their challenges. Our blue spruce continues to grow towards the heavens and believes it will brush up against the glories of God one day to be ushered into the forever forests of the next life. This brave tree has made me believe the same thing, and not only about my tree, but about myself and anyone else who keeps bracing themselves against the winds, worries, and disasters of this life and keeps growing towards the Son.

Our Qatar Exit

This last March Brett received a terrible birthday present.  He was visiting Finland with a group of students on a work assignment.  On his birthday the students all wanted to experience the snow up close and personal so they went sledding.  Well Brett wanted to celebrate a little and decided to join them.  He promptly crashed, hit his head, and woke up the beast he had been fighting for years:  long-standing back and neck pain from long ago injuries.  When he got home, life got very difficult in Qatar.  The medical system there is chaotic, confusing, and behind the times, especially when it comes to managing pain.  It took him a month just to get in for an MRI (thank goodness there was no serious head injury) and another month to see the specialist and have him tell him that physical therapy is all they could offer him.  Because he had aggravated an already existing condition that he had had for years, the pain in Brett's neck and back was so constant and so debilitating he couldn't even think of attempting physical therapy.

That's when we realized he might have to live with the pain for months before getting home to the states and then we were in for a complicated summer.  We would have to get him home, in to see a specialist, and repeat this whole process.  We tried to set up appointments from Qatar via Skype but getting the MRI results from the Qatar doctor and then sending them to the specialist in Utah took weeks.  My health had really gone down hill since moving to Doha so I knew I needed some TLC from my team of health care professionals too.  The more we talked and thought about what would be required to happen this summer the more we realized that our summer might have to be extended.  We probably wouldn't make it back in time for VCUQ's fall term or for Abbey's start of school at ASD.

Expat life is tricky.  There are so many things to consider when health issues come up.  We knew that home in Utah would be the best place for us to get the medical care that we both needed, but Brett's job is in Qatar.  Abbey was just finishing up 5th grade at ASD and was excited about the prospects of middle school and 6th grade.  As Brett's pain increased and his ability to even work part of the day lessened we had to make some decisions.

In the middle of all this VCUQ informed Brett that VCU in Virginia didn't want to take on the liability of signing villa leases in Qatar anymore and so we would have to take a personal financial risk by signing the villa lease ourselves - not what we wanted to do.  Brett asked when the lease would be up and when the human resources department checked, it was up that day, the day Brett was sitting in the office hearing this for the first time.  There have been other surprising issues come up at VCUQ over the years that have not been conducive to a peaceful life in a very unnerving country so this wasn't as big of a surprise at it could have been, but it seemed to be the tipping point.  In addition, even though Brett was enjoying working with students and faculty and researching in the Interior Design Department, he was getting anxious to get back to architecture and design. (VCU eventually relented and signed a year's lease for everyone when the dean made a trip to Virginia for her annual pow wow, but by then we had made our decision to just find another villa when and if we came back to Qatar.)

So with all of these issues stacking up, and others I cannot mention here, there seemed to be many arrows pointing us toward the Qatar exit signs.  So we got on our knees and turned to the Lord.  The final answer has come slowly over the summer, but we felt then that we should get ready for whatever was to come. So we began to make tentative/unofficial plans to move home.  Breaking the news of the possible move home to Abbey was easier than we had thought.  She was sad for awhile about the possibility of leaving friends and especially the leaving ASD and be in middle school, but surprisingly, she was the most energetic as we made preparations for all contingencies.  Only the summer would tell us if we were leaving Qatar for good or if we would be back for a fifth year.

We began selling things:  cars, bikes, electronics and household goods we had purchased, clothing, and the enormous amount of odds and ends we had accumulated over four years.  We told close friends and neighbors that we were moving because our lease was up, because that is all we knew for sure.  We had to wait until Brett saw the neurosurgeon in Utah to know what was in store for us in the fall.  We left the door open for us to come back, because truthfully, we didn't know if he would be recovering from back surgery, if he could be helped with simply the right medication, or if he could even find another job if medical issues forced us to stay home.  When it came right down to it though, we purchased one way tickets home to Utah because if we had an extended summer, Abbey would have to start school in Utah anyway and then we would be in Utah at least until Christmas.

Three days before flying home, Brett received an email from a former co-worker.  Chad wanted to let Brett know that the boss at his former architecture firm had mentioned that he wanted to hire a head designer and lead architect and he had mentioned Brett's name.  There was a series of emails back and forth and then when we arrived in Utah, the emails turned to phone calls, which turned to an interview, salary negotiations, and then a job offer.  Brett accepted the offer because he wasn't sure how we were going to pay for all the medical bills, especially if surgery was down the road.  We felt like the Lord's hand was in all of this so we couldn't wait around for the medical decisions to be finalized.  We had to move forward on faith.

Because it was such a long and involved process for him to even get in to see the neurosurgeon who had been recommended by several friends, Brett finally saw him a few days before starting his new job.  The neurosurgeon wanted to take a conservative approach to Brett's injury and recommended physical therapy, traction, and a series of cortisone injections.  It was clearly going to be a chronic condition that could not be solved in a matter of months. Because our family doctor and the neurosurgeon were managing Brett's pain with the correct medications, this seemed possible and hopeful but not quick enough to make working in Qatar a reality.  Brett gradually was able to work a full day and came home smiling and happy from feeling so at home at the office and having the ability to create again.  The decision seemed to be making itself.  Qatar couldn't offer him or me the kind of medical care we need, a new job had fallen into Brett's lap, and we have been feeling blessed beyond measure, in spite of the difficulties.

So saying good bye to Doha means that we say good bye to some great friends we have made during our adventure.  It means a tighter income and a lot less travel.  It means less family time with Brett now that he is working regular office hours and all through the summer.  Being a professor at VCUQ has had its perks but Brett and our family earned every perk, believe me.  With all the amenities comes a lot of expat chaos that can tear a family apart or bind them together like never before.  I think the latter has happened to us, thankfully.  We have put up with the heat, humidity, and the driving insanity.  We have had to hold our tongues and smile instead of complain and scream for some common sense to be used in every day life.  We have been able to laugh at the amusing clash of cultures and have sorrow for those inequalities that still exist in this so-called modern world.

The workers of Qatar will be my favorite take home memory from our time in the Middle East.  To see the hard working faces of the Filipino, Indian, Nepali, and Sri Lankan workers in the unbearable 118 degree heat with 80% humidity, and know that they feel lucky to have a job so they can send a small amount of money home to family is humbling.  To watch the masses of working men walking around near the old souq on a Friday afternoon, trying to enjoy their one day off, is overwhelming, especially thinking about all the wives and children some have had to leave in their home countries and might not see for years.  Whenever I saw the brilliant smile of our guards as they waved us into our compound it gave me courage to face my trials with a brave face. To look into the sweet face of the woman who cleaned for us each week and see the beginnings of trust develop between us made my heart hope, hope for a more civilized universe where everyone is treated with love and dignity.  And to see a friend's Nepali nanny take a giant step forward in her life by being baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, see her learn to drive a car, see her meet a Mormon man online and get engaged, then to see her marry him in Nepal with all the brilliant oranges and reds of a Hindu wedding was unforgettable and life-changing.  These are just some of the miracles of our Qatar adventure.

Cat in the Hat

I think sometimes that the trials we face are fashioned exclusively for us, and that is why they are so big and so deep and so tall (Cat in the Hat). Lately I have felt like the Cat in the Hat, trying to hold up the two books, the fish, the little toy ship, and the milk on the dish. Inevitably the things fall and the mess must be dealt with. I think those trials are to help us turn to the Lord and ask for specific blessings. Last night I was doing just that, but I didn't know the specific thing to ask for, so I just asked for peace. It came.

Today I need to ask again. It is a great thing that Heavenly Father doesn't put a limit on how many times we can make those requests. Maybe the concept I am not willing to comprehend is that I might not be able to juggle all those things I want to and hop on the ball. I read something today that opened up holes in my heart that I thought had long been plugged up. It is very difficult for me to accept things the way they are without dropping all the things I'm juggling. I guess I will just have to go out and get one of those machines the Cat has. I wonder if I could find it on e-Bay!