Along with the stress and grief of losing two fathers this last month, Brett and I have been apart more than we have been together. It is really getting tiresome, this alone thing. Yes, I have Abbey to keep me going right now, and Brett has the funeral, his family, and our other kids, but there is nothing more peaceful, more centering than the "us" we have become. So as a result, I have been way off center these past weeks.
It isn't like we have never been apart. There have been quite a few times in our marriage when miles have separated us. For instance, when Brett joined the Air Force back in the 80s he was in training in Texas then in Mississippi. We were apart for probably ten weeks. Then there have been times when he had to help with Scout camp, Pioneer Trek, or I was a leader at Girls' Camp. Brett has never had a job that has taken him out of town much, but there have been those few trips here and there. But this separation has been different.
Yesterday when Abbey was getting ready for school I could hear her in her bathroom doing a somewhat toned-down happy dance. I said, "It looks like we have a happy girl here today." She said she was sort of happy. When I asked her what that meant she said, "Well, two of my grandpas have died and my mom and dad keep leaving . . . . . " I could tell that she was feeling a little guilty for feeling some joy sneak into our tragedy. I quickly told her that it was okay to feel happy, in fact it is very important for little girls to be happy. After I said that, her happy dance picked up the pace and exploded out like sunshine.
Well, my happy dance is half way around the world, and I kind of feel like having a large temper tantrum until he gets back. Brett is the person in our marriage who gives us permission to take a nap on a busy day. He is the one who will start the compliment-giving contests, or the thumb wars when we are waiting somewhere. Brett is the one who asks me what my happy and sad are for the day. He breathes hope and peace into my chaotic day so often I can't even begin to remember all the times of resuscitation. I love you Brett. I am counting the days until Sunday. I hope Doha International Airport is ready for a wild happy dance!