Thomas

I have been missing my grandson a lot lately, more than the usual everyday heartache. He is such a bright, beautiful boy who brings love and sunshine wherever he goes. He is growing up so fast and will soon be welcoming a new little brother to his family. This will make him even more grown up when the baby comes. I have missed so much of his babyhood, so it is hard to imagine that he will be three this year. My mind seems to freeze his growth each time we see him, and I expect him to pick up where we left off from the last time, but I'm always surprised to hear the new words he rattles off like a pro and the new way he interacts with his parents. My son-in-law always asks me if Thomas has changed dramatically since the last time we were together, and the answer is always a bittersweet "Yes." I guess I always dreamed of being able to help my grandchildren discover the world around them on a regular basis and get lost in the wonder in their eyes and heart. I don't get to do that much because whenever we see each other there is a catching up period while he remembers who I am. By that time it is time for one of us to go home. The phone is great to keep in touch with his parents but Thomas just isn't into phone conversations. Who knows if he ever will be! He is a boy after all.

Again, it is difficult for me to accept things the way they are and not try to force them into what I want, but at times I just need to feel sorry for myself and then move on. I guess I will just have to be content to see him as much as I do and enjoy him when I can. I must concentrate on what I can build instead of what can't be built. Maybe the fact that we are gaining another little grandson in a few months has reopened the issue. A grandma must be about love whenever and wherever possible. I wish I had a more profound ending to this entry, but I just haven't figured it all out yet. I guess it will take time and experience.

Cat in the Hat

I think sometimes that the trials we face are fashioned exclusively for us, and that is why they are so big and so deep and so tall (Cat in the Hat). Lately I have felt like the Cat in the Hat, trying to hold up the two books, the fish, the little toy ship, and the milk on the dish. Inevitably the things fall and the mess must be dealt with. I think those trials are to help us turn to the Lord and ask for specific blessings. Last night I was doing just that, but I didn't know the specific thing to ask for, so I just asked for peace. It came.

Today I need to ask again. It is a great thing that Heavenly Father doesn't put a limit on how many times we can make those requests. Maybe the concept I am not willing to comprehend is that I might not be able to juggle all those things I want to and hop on the ball. I read something today that opened up holes in my heart that I thought had long been plugged up. It is very difficult for me to accept things the way they are without dropping all the things I'm juggling. I guess I will just have to go out and get one of those machines the Cat has. I wonder if I could find it on e-Bay!

Christmas Adam

Today is the day before the day before Christmas, so Abbey has declared that it is "Christmas Adam." I guess because Adam came before Eve. I thought that was pretty clever. It has been a great day - no migraine, not much elbow pain, and I got a FULL night's sleep. It is amazing what I can accomplish when I get enough sleep and don't have debilitating pain. Tonight we had our annual Reilley party with our good friends the Reilleys. They are so great and we have known them for a very long time. This annual party started eighteen or nineteen years ago and it has survived all the changes and bumps our two families have been through. Lori and I have known each other since I was in elementary school. We were in the same ward when my family lived in the Granger 14th ward. She is a devoted friend and has called me EVERY day this last year. It has been her way of helping me through a tough year while I have battled my on-going depression. I am so thankful for her friendship and devotion. She is an inspiration to me. I am blessed to have her in my life. I am very blessed to have so many in my life who love me! I love this part of Christmas - appreciating the best kind of gifts I have been given. This life is amazing and wonderful, and as Abbey has pointed out, it all started with Adam.

Anti-Social or Pro-Peace?

Last night Brett and I opted out of the neighborhood Christmas party. This morning I opted out of the neighborhood cookie exchange. It is almost a relief to say no to something. The hectic schedule of the holidays has turned my life into a "have to." I want to fill my holidays with the things I WANT to do, the things that are most important. This morning I just thought that sitting with a bunch of women who are trying to impress each other with their fabulous recipes, immaculate grooming, and slim figures was going to be more than I could take, especially because I had not made my contribution to the exchange. Because I have been hobbling around from a broken toe and I'm so tired it hurts to hold my head up, none of my Christmas preparations are done. My daughter Kristy was shocked when I told her I hadn't bought one gift yet. She said, "That's a first mom!" It really isn't, but I don't think she has ever paid attention before to how prepared I have ever been for Christmas. She has always just noticed the end result. She has a different perspective now that she is trying to make everyone's dreams come true on that very important day. Well here is a list of the things I WANT to do this Christmas:
1. Enjoy some peace of mind, knowing I have thought well of all those I connected with that day.
2. Curl up with a new book in front of the fire.
3. Surprise Brett with some thoughtful gift.
4. Find that perfect gift for the most thoughtful man I know, my son Ben.
5. Have a generous heart when it comes to family relations and assume the best.
Hopefully, there will be room in there to smile, laugh, and relax a little too. I love Christmas, but I refuse to let it rule my life. I have a sneaking suspicion that the Savior doesn't want that either. I think he would rather we delete the worldly diversions from the season and focus on eternal endeavors. I think the Savior's adversaries are very thrilled about what Christmas has become, even for very religious people. I won't let it happen to me and my family. I must be the voice of heaven and whisper reverence so that there will truly be PEACE in my little corner of the kingdom. Maybe that's not being anti-social but pro-peace!

A Wise Christmas

We went to Temple Square this last Monday to see the Christmas lights and drink hot chocolate in a very frigid downtown. We had Christmas music playing on the way, and after that Abbey kept singing, "I'm dreaming of a WISE Christmas." It is so great the "wisdom" she comes up with when she creates an Abbeyism. I asked her what a wise Christmas was. She said she didn't know, so together we decided it is a Christmas where everyone seeks after the Savior like the wisemen did. The next night Abbey was rearranging the Nativity Set. She said, "All the wisemen are in order now." I asked her what that meant, and as she pointed to each wiseman she said, "This one is gold, this one is Frankenstein, and this one is myrrh."

Cleo

Yesterday I said good-bye to a friend I've had for over 17 years: our kitty Cleo. She has declined in health over the last six months, losing her eye sight and a lot of her hearing. She has valiantly "ping ponged" around our home, looking for her food and our comforting laps for quite awhile. Having her here was a link to my daughter Kristy who has grown up and moved away. Kristy picked out this black/grey tabby with big eyes and wispy fur when she was five and so much my little girl. Now Kristy is a wife and mother. My sadness at letting Cleo go was intensified because it made the reality of Kristy's absence all the more final.

We have all cried for our loss, but rejoiced for Cleo's restored heavenly body. When Abbey said the blessing on the food last night she said, "Heavenly Father, please bless Cleo. And bless her with extra birds to chase." That pretty much summed it up.

As I held Cleo in her last moments I marveled at her life and how small her body is in comparison to all she gave our family. Her spirit is so much more than the soft body I held, so much more than the wet nose I stroked. Cleo is a joy and some lucky Heavenly Being is enjoying her purrs and unconditional love right now.

Our lives go on and somehow seem more precious for having known Cleo and been with her all of her 17 1/2 years. I love my family and I'm so glad there is more than this mortal existence that is so fragile and so imperfect. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for my earthly experience and the simple joys of life. Tonight, according to Abbey, we went to Tithing Sediment." It is good that there are things to count on and things to remind us of our blessings. Paying tithing does that for me, and when Abbey linked it to the earth we live on, it was a reminder to me that what we do on this earth is important, it is recognized and counted, no matter how small, no matter how unflashy it might be. We come from the dust of the earth, but we are also made of the cloths of heaven. There is a beautiful poem by Yeats with that term I think.

Birthdays

I turned 44 on September 21. I was sick for days around my birthday, so I didn't really have the time to think about another year tacked onto my life. Now I am reflecting on this momentous occasion. The days accumulate so slowly, but when a birthday comes, I realize how much of my life has sifted through my fingers. I have evolved over these years and now say and do things I never thought I would when I was in my twenties. Dirty dishes just aren't my main worry anymore. I don't lose sleep over what I'm going to wear tomorrow. The things I do worry about are my overall effectiveness as a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a daughter, and a friend. How can this ever be measured? I'm glad I'm not in charge of this measuring. I have faith in a perfect Savior who will stand as our advocate when that final analysis takes place. At times I feel very close to that eye-opening day and confident that I will be able to look my Father in Heaven in the eyes, knowing I have done my best. Then there are days when my confidence falters and I remember being impatient over the silliest thing like a pink clay stain on the table from Abbey's girl pirate ship creation. I might be 44 but have a long way to go until I am molded into what He wants me to be. I guess all creations leave their stains as the molding takes place.

Wonder Woman Times Two

Yesterday I made myself walk out of my classroom and embrace my home and family again. My personality is "all or nothing" so I have thrown myself into revitalizing my teaching as I begin another phase of my career. It has been exhausting yet familiar and welcome to remember my talents as a teacher. At the same time though, I have been remembering the parts of this job that never became easy for me - dealing with the piles and piles of English papers to name just one.

As I locked my classroom door, I had to reassure myself that the most important thing in my life are the smiles and company of my husband, children, and grandson. I haven't been as focused on this over the last few weeks. There will always be piles of papers, but there won't always be time to try on Halloween costumes with my six-year-old and see the light in her eyes as she puts on the Wonder Woman cape and looks into the mirror. When I was her age I wanted nothing more than to be Wonder Woman, complete with the golden lasso of truth and the bullet repelling arm bracelets. Abbey and I walked out of TJ Maxx with the costume and my joy brimming over, my priorities returned to their correct place. Maybe both of us will be Wonder Women in October!